Hello again from the author of Questionable at best, whose three-game win streak lasted exactly as long as it took me to brag about it. I lost by 3.56 points this week to a team that benched 36.18 points at quarterback. I’m 3-6. I have been humbled, and I’d like to thank everyone who made it possible, mostly D’Andre Swift.

Elsewhere, Christopher’s Culinary finally won a game (by 1.12, so let’s not throw a parade), which makes Breece Mode the league’s last winless team. A team named Matthew is going to lose. did not lose. And Santos left enough points on the bench to have set the season record. Let’s get into it.

The Matchups

The Kitchen Is Finally Open

One win. 1.12 points. Zero apologies.

Last week’s Toilet Bowl Preview promised that one of these teams would leave with its first win, and Christopher’s Culinary took it by the width of a garnish. The waiver wire did the cooking: kicker Dominic Zvada, picked up Thursday, kicked 17, and the Bills D/ST, picked up Saturday night, scored 15. That’s 32 points from two pickups in a game decided by 1.12. Good thing, because Josh Jacobs scored 0.5 on a 16.61 projection and Tucker Kraft added 1.9, while DeMario Douglas (15.2) and Blake Corum (11.8) watched from the bench. Breece Mode was only 4.5 points off a perfect lineup, which would have been enough, but the real culprit was the Patriots D/ST, which scored -5. Christian McCaffrey (22.7) and Breece Hall (11.7) did their jobs. Justin Jefferson (8.8) did not. That’s 0-9.

Tuten Fixes Week 7, Two Weeks Late

In Week 7, I Be Tuten started Bryce Young over Matthew Stafford and got burned. This week it started Stafford (11.22) and left Young (20.34) on the bench. You cannot win. Except they did, because Christian Watson went for 30.1 out of the flex, Tee Higgins added 20.2, Ka’imi Fairbairn kicked 17 and the freshly claimed Texans D/ST scored 12. Bhayshul Tuten chipped in 8.9 for the team that bears his name. Austin Bowers got 26.7 from Bijan Robinson and 22.3 from Brock Bowers, but Malik Nabers (9.3) didn’t show up, and Jonah Coleman scored 18.8 on the bench while Ollie Gordon II scored 7.4 in the lineup. Swap those two and Austin Bowers wins by 1.36.

Your Author’s Streak Dies at Three

Lost by 3.56 to a team that benched 36.18.

Ja’Marr Chase did his part with 31.5. Almost nobody else on my roster did. D’Andre Swift, last week’s 27.9-point hero, scored 3.1 in my flex on an 18.61 projection, and Quinshon Judkins added 5.5. Meanwhile Denzel Boston (15.8) and Omar Cooper Jr. (13.8) sat on my bench. Boston for Swift alone wins me the game. I left 18 points on the bench and lost by 3.56, which is the kind of math I usually save for my taxes. rylee’s team, for its part, started Joe Burrow (29.54) while Jordan Love scored 36.18 on the bench, got 16.3 from Isaiah Likely, and won anyway. I’d file a complaint, but the only person to complain to is me.

Matthew Did Not Lose

The team name is a prediction. It was wrong.

The team formerly known as Turn goff the lights has a new name and an old habit. Kenneth Walker III put up 36.3, the top individual score of the week, and Matthew Golden put up 32.4, so at least one Matthew had a great week. This team also flipped its Week 7 mistake: it started Drake Maye (18.26) this time and left Brock Purdy (25.28) on the bench. On the other side, He’s My Smith-Njigba (formerly 2nd Place MasterJakeBates) posted the week’s lowest score and the third-lowest of the season. Jared Goff scored 5.3, Ladd McConkey scored zero in the flex, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba managed 12.1 against a 22.46 projection. And, just like Week 7, this team benched Jake Bates (15) to start Matt Gay (7). You changed the name, but the name still haunts you.

Santos Scores 158.68, Benches a Season Record

The week’s top score, and somehow the story is what didn’t count. Puka Nacua caught 35, Javonte Williams added 22.4, Luther Burden III 20.7, and Spencer Shrader finally kicked like a man who wants to keep his job: 16. But C.J. Stroud scored 35.36 on the bench while Patrick Mahomes scored 16.48, and Bucky Irving scored 28.5 on the bench while Kyren Williams scored 9.1. The best possible lineup was 196.96, which would have topped the league’s season high: Santos’ own 194.82 from Week 5. Ken’s CeeDee Collection got 33.5 from CeeDee Lamb and 17.3 from Travis Kelce, and 125.86 would have beaten six other teams this week. Just not this one.

Week 9 Awards

Award	Winner	The case
Benchwarmer of the Week	Santos knows it smells well.	38.28 points left on the bench. Won by 32.82 anyway, which is the only reason this isn’t a crime scene.
Heartbreaker	Ken’s CeeDee Collection	125.86, the fourth-best score of the week, would have beaten six teams. Drew the one that scored 158.68.
Luckiest Win	Christopher’s Culinary	83.46 was the lowest winning score. Only two teams scored less, and it played one of them.
Worst Start/Sit	Santos knows it smells well.	Started Kyren Williams (9.1) over Bucky Irving (28.5), a 19.4-point miss. Honorable mention: me, for D’Andre Swift (3.1) over Denzel Boston (15.8), which actually cost me the game.
Name on the Door	He’s My Smith-Njigba	Jaxon Smith-Njigba scored 12.1 on a 22.46 projection, and the old namesake, Jake Bates, kicked 15 on the bench. Runner-up: Matthew is going to lose., where Matthew Golden (32.4) personally made sure Matthew did not lose.

Power Rankings

The “all-play” record is what each team would be if it played every other team every week. It’s the closest thing fantasy football has to a luck detector.

#	Team	Record	All-play	Points for	The take
1	Santos knows it smells well.	7-2	56-25	1,223.16	Three straight wins, most points in the league, and a bench that could have set the season record.
2	Matthew is going to lose.	7-2	54-27	1,141.76	New name, same quarterback roulette. Second-best all-play record. The name remains unproven.
3	Austin Bowers	6-3	46-35	1,113.80	One lineup swap from 7-2. Check the running backs, please.
4	Ken’s CeeDee Collection	5-4	52-29	1,108.40	Third-best all-play record, tied for fifth in wins. The schedule still owes this team an apology.
5	I Be Tuten	7-2	41-40	1,047.82	Tied for the league lead in wins with a barely-.500 all-play record. Still the luckiest team in the league.
6	rylee’s team	4-5	42-39	1,055.26	Benched 36.18 points at quarterback and won anyway. Respect, I guess.
7	He’s My Smith-Njigba	5-4	39-42	1,017.30	Two straight losses and the week’s lowest score. Zero teams beaten in Week 9 all-play.
8	Questionable at best	3-6	34-47	989.02	Back to reality. The bench is still the best part of my team.
9	Christopher’s Culinary	1-8	26-55	910.06	One win. Somebody open the good wine. Then cork it, it was 1.12.
10	Breece Mode	0-9	15-66	893.68	The last winless team. Lost by 1.12 with a -5 defense.

The Transaction Wire

No completed trades this week, so we grade the waiver wire instead.

• Christopher’s Culinary drops RJ Harvey for kicker Dominic Zvada, and the Jets D/ST for the Bills D/ST. Zvada kicked 17, the Bills scored 15, the Jets scored 2 for nobody, and the margin of victory was 1.12. Grade: A+. These were the season.
• I Be Tuten claims the Texans D/ST. 12 points in a 10.04-point win. Grade: A-.
• Santos knows it smells well. swaps the Bengals D/ST for the Bears D/ST. The Bears scored 13. The Bengals, the defense I dropped weeks ago, scored 3. The saga continues, and I am still not retiring. Grade: A-.
• Ken’s CeeDee Collection drops Deebo Samuel Sr. for the Giants D/ST. The Giants scored 14 and Deebo is sitting on waivers. Grade: B.
• Questionable at best claims Woody Marks. Started him, got 8.4 on a 14.57 projection. Grade: C, which stands for “consistent with the rest of my roster.”
• Breece Mode drops Corey Kiner for Jadarian Price. Price scored 11.8 on the bench. Kiner scored 11.5 for nobody. The swap gained 0.3 points, none of which counted. Grade: C.
• Matthew is going to lose. drops Tyler Loop for kicker Chad Ryland, and Dameon Pierce for Mike Gesicki. Ryland kicked 3, Gesicki scored 3.1 on the bench. It didn’t matter, which is the only nice thing I can say. Grade: D.

Deep Cut Report Card

Last week’s Waiver Deep Cut pick was Devin Singletary, RB, New York Giants, served as Meaghan Moineau’s Dish of the Week: the Creamy Corn Pudding. The column had ESPN projecting him for 8.4 points in our scoring. He scored 5.9 points in Week 9.

Verdict: Flat Pancake. By one-tenth of a point, which somehow makes it worse. The column promised the proof of the pudding would come Tuesday. It is Tuesday, and the pudding did not set. Nobody in this league picked him up, so for the second straight week, all of you were right to ignore me. Two weeks, two pancakes. At this point the column should come with a side of syrup and a waiver of liability.

Week 10 Preview

Also on the slate:

• I Be Tuten (7-2) at Breece Mode (0-9): the luckiest 7-2 team in the league against the last winless one. If Breece Mode is ever going to catch a break, it might as well be against the team that’s caught all of them.
• Austin Bowers (6-3) at He’s My Smith-Njigba (5-4): a team one lineup swap from 7-2 against a team on a two-game skid. Start Jake Bates.
• Questionable at best (3-6) at Ken’s CeeDee Collection (5-4): me against the third-best all-play record in the league. I will be starting Denzel Boston. Probably.
• Christopher’s Culinary (1-8) at rylee’s team (4-5): the kitchen goes for its first winning streak. rylee’s team goes for a week where it starts the right quarterback.

See you next week. Start your kickers.